You were the most beautiful woman I've ever known. A soft spoken and gentle woman yet very firm. Due to the character you had, you were well respected by everyone. You were a hardworking woman, holding a few jobs at a time. You managed your time very well, juggling work and being a housewife. You did a great job as a mother to the three of us and a really great job as a wife to your husband. There were no complains from us. You cooked very well...you knew what each one of your children likes...You knew your eldest daughter picks and choose what she eats, you knew your only son is not picky about food and you knew your youngest daughter (the most pampered one) doesn't really like to eat. You knew each one of us at the back of your fingertips. You treated us fairly.

You taught your daughters how to be a good housewife. You taught us about everything...

You were a great daughter too. You took care of your parents. You took care of your late father. You took a long time to get over his demise because you didn't get to bring him to perform his pilgrimage(all paid for by your hard earned money) that year. It was your wish. You cried after every solat, recited the yassin every day for him. It was all ok after about a year....and that's a very long time. But you managed to bring your mum the year after. Alhamdullillah...

You always wanted the best for everyone...even for your grandchildren, son-in-law and future children-in-law.

That's not all...there were so much about you that if written down...i could actually write a book.

In 2005, you were diagnosed with cancer. Your health deteriorated. You lost a lot of weight. You gave up your job because you didn't have the energy to work.

You fought the battle well...You wanted to be well so that you could work again...You were in and out of the hospital..You hated the hospital and doctors but as the time passed, you seemed to overcome your fears of needles, doctors, hospitals, operations, etc. The reason was only to get well and be normal again. You were very positive and you didn't stop fighting cos you told yourself not to. In fact, you kept on fighting till your last breath...I could see it...

I want you to know that you were never a burden to us. We took care of you and i hope we did a great job in taking care of you. I hope you were contented with all the care given to you. I wish i could do more or maybe i could have taken care of you better. I didn't mind cleaning u up...cos i knew when i was small, you cleaned me up too. with no complains.

I was glad i did not go to JB that day. You asked me whether i wanted to go and i said no. Cos i didn't have a good feeling and cos i knew you needed me that day. True enough. You looked so weak. You managed to remind me to bring your pillow and your pink slippers that i bought for you while you were on the stretcher on the way to the ambulance.

When you were in the hospital, you seemed a bit quiet especially the last few days before you were discharged. You were quiet when you were at home too. You kept to yourself...

When you were in a&e, it seemed that you only wanted to see the your immediate family. In order of hierachy, Dad and Sis went in. Bro and I went in and then you took your last breath...

I was so much composed when i saw you in the other room...You laid on the bed and you looked as if you were sleeping...you looked so calm...you looked pretty...

I stayed by your side all the while, reciting the yassin cos i knew i won't be seeing you again. I bathed you too cos i knew that was the least and last thing i could do for you apart from the prayers.

I was happy looking at you cos you looked even prettier this time....

The only thing i am still sad about is that you won't be around for my wedding and your son's wedding.

I am having a hard time coping cos i always sleep with you and i always kiss you before i go to work. I am feeling the lost. I have lost my pillar of strength and that's you. Now, I sleep with your pillow and i sleep on your bed...i wear your clothes too...because i miss you...i will miss you a lot...You will always be in my heart and no one can ever replace you. Pls know that i love you so much and i will keep the memories i had with you for the past years close to my heart. That's for sure.

You are safe and in a better place now...I know...

Dengan iringan doa, Ati redha ibu pergi...

referring to the last blog written...
mum was discharged from the hospital on thurs...

today and in fact an hour ago, the ambulance attendant took her to the hospital...

whatever happened to her on her birthday this yr, happened again...

she was weak and yet refused to go to the hospital....

"tak nak pegi hospital, tinggal sini aje..."

dad tried to talk to her nicely which made me cry..."Ya(that's what dad calls her) tak nak menyusahkan anak-anak kan? the rest was history...i didn't know what else he said cos i went out of the room crying...he cried too...i saw tears in his eyes...

menyusahkan? she never did and it never crossed our minds that she's a burden to us...

fever at 38.2 just now...

i'm settling the chores at home and will be going to the hospital soon...

i guess she'll be admitted again...

:(

raya is coming and i haven done anything yet for the house...i dunno when to clean the rooms..cleaning for me means throwing all the unwanted stuffs...so i really need big black plastic bags...and i am really going to throw away my stuffs...and the unwanted stuffs in the room....

now...the best thing...time...where to find time? planning to clean a room per day on weekends only....hopefully i can make it....

mummy...she's home yesterday...she's getting weaker by the day...and thinner too...when i held her hands just now, all i could feel were skin and bones only....she looks like how she was first diagnosed with cancer and that was 3 yrs ago...she lost 11 kilos in a month then. on top of all that, she has been daydreaming, staring into space thinking of...God knows...

daddy...i think he has grown thinner as well maybe due to tiredness...he's juggling the role of a house husband and taking care of the 2 granddaughters...he cooks, he goes to the market and sends his granddaughter to school. all these were done by mummy back then...apart from taking care of the granddaughters, he takes care of his wife too...making sure she eats her meals and medicine...people say that mum is lucky to have him as a husband ...and i have to agree with them... not all husbands can take over the job of a wife...

for now...i'm hanging on...