cold and blanket
it was about 6 plus in the morning. i was feeling cold because of the full blast fan. i was closing my eyes and i felt as if someone put a blanket over my legs and automatically i pulled the blanket over my body. for a while, i felt warm.
i woke up only to find out it was a dream. but it felt real. very real.
i felt very sad cos only one person would do that. no one else. whenever you woke up for subuh and when you knew i was feeling cold, you would grab the blanket on the bed and put over me..
i really miss you...
after more than 40 days....
sis and i cleared the pile of clothes at the corner of your room...mainly your clothes, your baju kurung, some worn only once and most or should i say all in very good condition. the whole wardrobe is full of your clothes. nope, it's overloaded. as i arranged all the clothes, i really feel the void that you have left. so many memories in the house. too many memories and i can break down anywhere and anytime in the house.
yesterday, we had some prayers for you at home. dad has been leading in the prayers. and yesterday while reciting the doa for you, he broke down. it's painful...
some of your siblings said that they always think of you and they still feel as if you're still around...
yesterday too, grandma told me and sis that among all her children(foster), you're the only one who has never been rude to her. you're the only one who talked to her nicely. and i guess she really misses you a lot.
during the night, mummy asked dad about the wedding preparation. so we discussed. what we need, what to cook and everything. i wish you were here. to decide on things.
sis has gotten herself a maid, to help her out and help ayah too. that day she asked,"kak yati mau kawin hati senang ya kak yati." i kept quiet for a while. but told her this," mula-mula, hati saya senang, sekarang ibu sudah tak ada, saya sedih. and she said,"iya kak yati, tapi restunya banyak kan kak yati?"
and i guess so...when you were in hospital, i still remember vividly what you told us. "hafiz, jgn balik lambat2 nanti maknya risau. jgn bawak moto laju2. ati, kalau naik moto jgn tido." you said the exact same thing to hafiz's mum when his mum visited you in the hospital.
i have finally collected my baju nikah. when i brought it home, i didn't know who to show it to. i really wish you were here.
i miss you, ibu.
first time
first times....
first time with a husband, first time with a child, first time in a new home, first time with a fiance/fiancee and so on...
therefore they look forward to this very special day...
and as for me, this is my first time too....celebrating hari raya w/o mum...
tears rolled down my cheek when i heard the takbir...tears rolled down when i was cleaning the house and this morning when dad and bro went for their prayers, i broke down...the house is so empty without her,,,i went to her room and looked at her bed...it hurts...
when dad came back from prayers, he asked me to help him with the cooking.... all the cooking were usually done by mum...i miss her cooking...
haf's mum called...when i heard her voice, i cried...
i cried so much today...
she used to sit beside dad when we asked for forgiveness....and today...that seat was empty...dad cried...
today, i wore the baju kurung she sewed for me....the final one...and as for the other 2 that i sent for tailoring, i will keep it for next year...
things are not the same anymore....i feel incomplete without you...i miss you...so much...
